Minimizing the Mental Load When Coming Out Later in Life

Hello, howdy, hi! I am Sharon, a queer human and therapist in Denver, Colorado! Before we dive in here, I want to emphasize you are the expert when it comes to “coming out.” There is not a prescribed timeline for embracing one's own identity and living a life rooted in authenticity. As someone working with the queer community as well as being a part of the queer community, I understand how challenging it can be to navigate coming out. With coming out later in life, there often is added complexity. Perhaps there are other identities to navigate such as professional identities and/or being a parent. Perhaps there are feared outcomes or questions of how this will impact relationships with loved ones such as partners and/or children. It is not easy to reveal a significant part of oneself that may be met with rejection. And of course, there are layers upon layers of previous learning to move through, as well as a necessary process of recognizing one’s own internalized homophobia or internalized transphobia. It's hard work, and I want you to know, the coming out process is worth it, if you choose this for yourself.

Coming out often is mistakenly thought to be a one time event. It actually is ongoing. Coming out can be messy and nonlinear with returns to where we started after years of being “out”. The process is quite unique for each person.

In my work, I have learned that self-acceptance is key to making this journey as comfortable as possible. Of course coming out later in life often feels uncomfortable. And this is not the only feeling you can expect. Many people also experience relief, excitement, and freedom. It is scary sharing our true selves with loved ones, including family or best friends. Yes, there can be temporary strain on close relationships, and even the loss of close relationships. Often folks learn who their real friends are when coming out. So yes, you are going to feel uncomfortable, for a time. The good news is that coming out can also bring a newfound sense of freedom and happiness, and often there is a deepening of close relationships or the creation of new, close relationships.

As mentioned earlier, coming out is a personal journey. So my focus is to help folks live a life that best reflects their deepest held values. Living a life that reflects your deepest held values may involve coming out or not coming out. My work is helping folks to determine what best aligns with who they want to be and what matters the most to them.

Understanding the journey to coming out “late”

Part of my work with folks is helping them to decide how and when to disclose their gender or sexuality to loved ones. If you are ready to begin coming out, I am here to help guide you, help you to move through stress and worry, and ensure that you join the pride parade on your own terms and on no else’s timeline except for your own. For all of us regardless of age, coming out can be a scary and daunting experience. It takes courage to admit the truth to oneself and even more courage to share it with others. Some may only realize their true identity later in life, after years of denial or suppression, or after leaving oppressive communities. Perhaps they were afraid of the reaction they would receive from others or feared rejection from their partner or loved ones. Others may have been in long-term relationships or even marriages, and only after self-discovery and reflection did they come to realize their true identity. Regardless of the reason, it's important to remember that coming out is a personal journey and the path for a single person may be different than the path of someone who is married.

Coming out often has to do with safety, both emotional and physical safety, and timing can play a crucial role in this process. Societal and personal factors can influence the decision and can make it more complex. Discrimination, stigma, and bias can create hurdles and fears, making it harder for someone to come out. Religious trauma can also be a factor, as individuals may fear losing the acceptance of their religious community or experiencing rejection. Often, appeasing others and their expectations can also impact when someone comes out. However, feeling safe and comfortable with their sexuality and/or gender is essential in the decision-making process and can play a crucial role in timing. Ultimately, the decision to come out is very personal, for different reasons, and factors like these can make the process more challenging.

7 tips for coming out as an adult

1. Be true to yourself

The most important tip for coming out later in life is to be true to yourself. It can be scary and overwhelming, and remember that your happiness and authenticity are worth it. Embrace who you are and do not let anyone make you feel ashamed or less than.

2. Find a support system

As mentioned, coming out later in life can be challenging, so it is important to have a support system in place. This support network may include family members or “chosen family,” which may include friends or even online communities of people who have gone through similar experiences. Having a support system can provide emotional support and help you navigate any challenges that may arise.

3. Take your time

There is no rush when it comes to coming out later in life. Yes, you may feel an urgency. There can be impatience because you feel behind. You may find yourself falling into “should” traps that you “should” be farther along on your journey. This is normal. Take your time to process your feelings and come out at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Remember that this is your journey and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

4. Educate yourself

It is important to educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community and issues before coming out later in life. Seek out podcasts, books or online communities. This will help you to understand your own sexual and gender identity better, and prepare you for potential questions or reactions from others like, "Why didn't you tell me sooner you like other men?" or "But you're married to a man. How can you be a lesbian?"

5. Have reasonable expectations for yourself

Coming out is only the beginning of the process. Be prepared to revisit old narratives again and again. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Remember self acceptance is key. You are deconstructing years of learning and this will be a process. Just as others will inquire about your past, you will grapple with making sense of your past. This is normal and inner work and reflection will help you to revise and rewrite a narrative that fits who you are in the here and now.

6. Identify values-congruent actions

When coming out find actions that fit best for you and where you are in your process of coming out. What are the smallest steps you can take that increase self-acceptance? Can you find or create opportunities for authentic self expression that are not solely focused on a particular end goal or decision to share or not share your gender identity or sexual orientation with others? Stitt, in ACT for Gender Identity, notes, “taking small steps toward self-expression, even in private, helps us to normalize the physical reality of being a gender variant person.”

7. Seek professional help if needed

Coming out later in life can bring up a lot of emotions and it's okay to seek professional help if needed. With the excitement can come a lot of uncertainty as well as needs to redefine and make sense of past ways operating in the world. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe space for you to talk about your feelings and offer guidance on how to navigate this new chapter of your life.

FAQs about coming out late in life

• How long do people wait to come out?

  Deciding to come out can be a daunting process for many individuals. If you have decided, you’re ready to begin the process. There are a lot of factors to consider, such as feeling safe, weighing the potential reactions of parents and friends, and navigating how to communicate this aspect of one's identity. It's a very important part of a person's journey, and each person's timeline is unique to their own experience. Some gay people choose to come out early in life, while others wait until adulthood to come out for the first time. Ultimately, the decision to come out is a deeply personal one, and everyone's journey is valid.

• Can you come out at any age?

  It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong age to come out. It is a decision to consider and make when you feel safe enough and comfortable to do so. Coming out to parents and friends can be challenging at any age, and the support and understanding of those close to you can make all the world of difference. It's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and there is no pressure to come out until you are ready.

• What are the benefits of coming out?

  Coming out can be an incredibly daunting decision in middle age or later life. The idea of revealing personal aspects about oneself can trigger feelings of shame and fear of judgment. You may be faced with many questions about the past, and folks are sometimes faced with difficult questions (e.g., “Was the past a lie?”, “Why now?”) about the past regarding timing of coming out. However, for many, the desire to be honest about their true self outweighs any potential negative consequences. It can feel like a weight has been lifted off their shoulders to finally live their lives authentically and without hiding a part of themselves. Being honest about one's sexual orientation or gender identity can bring immense happiness and a sense of liberation. There can also be a new sense of creativity and exploration. For example, folks coming out as gender-expansive or trans may find more space in their lives to freely explore gender expression. It is important to recognize that coming out is not a singular event but rather a lifelong process. It may not always be easy, and at some point, it is necessary to move forward and accept the past while embracing yourself as you truly are, and providing yourself with more opportunities to open up to and be seen by others.

Final thoughts on coming out later in life

Coming out as LGBTQ+ later in life is a process that brings up all the feelings. It’s life changing. And it’s hard as it can impact so many areas of one’s life such as their romantic relationship, how they relate to sex, and there can be unwanted losses of community. There are also significant positive impacts on your mental health. One way to make the journey a little easier is to connect with the queer community and make queer friends in real life and/or online. Having a supportive community around you can make all the difference in feeling seen and heard. A perfect opportunity to connect with the queer community and start the process could be attending a pride parade or event. By simply observing and immersing yourself in the energy of the night or day, you can feel the power and warmth of the community. It is a powerful feeling to be seen and know you're not alone. The process of coming out is unique to each individual, and with the support of queer friends, the journey can be a little less lonely.

If you want support navigating the challenges of coming out, message me today to schedule your free initial consultation! I would be honored to help you discover some of the most beautiful parts of yourself.